Bad Hair Wars
Enterprising entrepreneurs out there might want to invest in a fleet of tractor backhoes and partial ownership of a limestone quarry, because it’s starting to look like bunker-digging time in America. The threat of nuclear war is spiking like the needle of a meat thermometer on a lava-flow.
It won’t be long before all the Marts; K, Wal, Quickie and the rest, start advertising red, white and blue specials on duct tape and plastic wrap. Survivalist sales. Civilization closeouts. Mankind markdowns.
Various parts of the country are reacting differently. In the south, they’re hoarding grits and preserving tomatoes while California stockpiles imported cases of organic, heirloom, artisanal, gluten-free cannellini beans from the northwest district of the Tuscany region. California bunkers have hardwood floors and a view.
While President Trump is busy dropping healthy payloads of big-D democracy on various Mideast miscreants, North Korea’s Kim Jong Un has started to kick demilitarized sand in our face, sticking out his nuclear tongue and wagging thumbs in his ears. It might not even be his own thumbs. It could be his uncle’s thumbs.
It’s 1950 all over again. A brand new serving of the old Cold War with a little kimchi on the side. The difference being the sequel is destined be televised in color and not a single General MacArthur can be found. This time both combatants are overseen by Mad Dogs.
We should have known the Beloved Leader would flip out, having been recently supplanted atop the prestigious “World’s Wackiest Leader with the Weirdest Hair” list. An award that had been in his family for generations. That was the Kim legacy. Poor little chubby Korean kid had one thing going for him, and Trump took it away.
It’s interesting to note the two have a lot more in common than worst commander-in-chief haircuts in history. They also have rabid-mammal with cut-paw temperaments. Complicated family relationships. A penchant for rearranging cabinets on a whim. Although removal from the North Korean circle of influence does tend be a tad more permanent.
The Pentagon might be taking the whole thing more seriously if Pyongyang were to develop a delivery system more efficient than a team of musk oxen. Their missiles have a disquieting habit of blowing up on the launch pad like Pop Tarts in a malfunctioning toaster during a power surge.
But the jeopardy is legitimate enough to have spurred Vice President Mike Pence to rattle a few sabers on the south end of the DMZ, where he pronounced the US was about to abandon its “failed policy of strategic patience.” Which sounds suspiciously like “straighten up and fly right or someone’s going to bed without dinner. Again.”
President Trump even reversed a campaign pledge to label China a currency manipulator in hopes that North Korea’s adult neighbor to the northeast will keep an eye on the local juvenile delinquent and apply the appropriate economic spanking if necessary. With a leather belt studded with ivory.
After all, China has a vested interest in seeing that nothing happens to us, since we owe them trillions of dollars. It’s a smart dealer that keeps his best junkie from getting beaten up. It’s all so very exciting that every day without a mushroom cloud should be considered a victory. Although, some might call that a bit too exciting.
Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist and comedian. For a calendar of personal appearances, visit willdurst.com.