Papi’s big day, Papi’s way

June 23, 2017 GMT

Before we give ex-Red Sox slugger David Ortiz the glory of retiring the number he wore so well, Boston took a few shots at No. 34 at “The Roast of David Ortiz” last night.

“You look like the Dominican Babe Ruth if he ate all the Baby Ruths,” said the token Yankee fan going only by the name of “Tony” on stage at the House of Blues for the roast.

In addition to the anonymous representative from the Evil Empire, the crew who threw fireballs at Papi comprised: star comics Bill Burr, Josh Wolf and Sarah Tiana, as well as Ortiz’s former teammate Dustin Pedroia, Patriots tight end and semi-pro party animal Rob Gronkowski, local funnyman Lenny Clarke and actor Anthony Mackie.

Prior to the roast, Ortiz dished he was most nervous about what Pedroia had to say. Pedroia told him, “I’m gonna get you tonight!” — to which Ortiz said, “Relax, little guy.”

Pedroia wasn’t the only roaster Ortiz had to worry about. “Everyone’s got stories about me,” he said. “I’m gonna have to take it.”

And Ortiz had reason to sweat.

Among Clarke’s slams against the ex-designated hitter: “You’re an author now… The biggest word in that book was ’baseball. Now, you’ve written one more book than you’ve read.”

Other shots went after Ortiz’s weight, his fondness for Spanglish, and his wife, Tiffany.

Throughout the event, which benefited the David Ortiz Children’s Fund, it became apparent this was a PG-13 affair.

And that’s why most of the quotes the Track took down went something like this: “(Expletive), you fat (expletive). Am I right, (expletive)?”

Also yesterday, Papi got paved. Yawkey Way Extension was renamed David Ortiz Drive. That’s his (expletive) street!