Breaking Brad: Expansion-hungry Jim Delany eyes Texas State Fighting Armadillos for Big Ten

July 24, 2017 GMT

Brad Dickson’s humor column, “Breaking Brad,” appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/brad and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad’s afternoon edition. Click here to read his morning jokes.

* The good news: The forecast calls for cooler weather in Omaha. The bad news: That could mean a heat index of only 114 degrees.

* Machaela Cavanaugh, daughter of former U.S. Representative John Cavanaugh, is running for Nebraska Legislature. Non-demanding Nebraska voters: “We recognize that last name. OK, that’s good enough for us. You win.”

* I’m thinking the simple fact she is related to a well-respected politician makes her overqualified for the Nebraska Legislature.

* I missed seeing Paul McCartney perform in Omaha on Sunday night. Oh, well, I’ll just catch the next 75-year-old, left-handed former Beatle who comes to town.

* An observation: Between celebrating National Hot Dog day, National Margarita Day, National Ice Cream Day and National Mustard Day, most Americans no longer have time to hold down jobs.

* Sean Spicer resigned as White House press secretary. So few White House briefings were televised that most Americans have no idea what he looks like.

* On Monday, Jared Kushner was scheduled to appear before the Senate Intelligence Committee. You thought it was challenging finding enough people qualified for the Ethics Committee.

* It turns out that Michael Phelps raced a computer-generated shark on Sunday night. This is like getting to late August and finding out that total eclipse of the sun is just a hologram.

* It turns out that Michael Phelps just raced a computer simulation of a shark. I only hope this doesn’t make Americans lose faith in all junk sports.

* A computer simulation of a shark? It feels like the entire planet was just robbed.

* Michael Phelps swam a race against a computer-generated shark. The winner gets to fight Conor McGregor.

* There may soon be a fourth path to attaining sainthood. Thanks goodness, since I’ve repeatedly struck out on the first three.

* There are new sensors to be placed inside cows’ stomachs that text farmers when the cows are feeling ill. We have advanced, high-tech health care in this nation – provided you are a cow.

* This means a cow’s stomach texts more than I do.

* Over the weekend, the first Pokemon Go Fest was held in Chicago, and on Monday Big Ten Media Days got underway in Chicago. The difference between the two? Rutgers is welcome at the former.

* Good news. On the first morning of Big Ten Media Days, Commissioner Jim Delany invited only two schools from the Ukraine to join the conference.

* Big Ten Media Days basically consists of 11 coaches trying to get a word in whenever Jim Harbaugh pauses to take a breath.

* At media days, I believe members of the Big Ten East are staying at the Hilton in downtown Chicago while the Big Ten West schools are at a Super 8 out by the airport.

* The Husker football program has offered scholarships to at least three players who were in eighth grade last year. If this keeps up, the Huskers will need a team orthodontist.

* Viagra and Cialis will not be advertising during this season’s NFL games. And thus ends the era of uber awkward metaphors of a football being thrown through a tire.

* No more Viagra and Cialis ads during NFL games. Now if we can also get rid of the constipation product ads, the diarrhea product ads, the hemorrhoid ads and the ads encouraging drinking, it’ll be possible to watch a game with your kid.

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