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Frank A. Bures: The “Dear, where are you?” study

December 31, 2017 GMT

At the end of a long year that seems more like 52 months than 52 weeks, it is time to reflect on something basic, revealing, and perhaps a little humorous. A reliable source for these musings is the Institute for Simple Minded Gene Research, Bohemian Branch (ISMGRBB). I have reported on its informative, completely original, medical ground breaking research in years past. Many other leading edge, incredible ideas have generated from the Institute, like who likes wallpaper vs. paint, who shares clothes, who cares if windows get washed, someone’s coming over reactions etc. The Institute has been inactive the last few years mainly because of lack of inspiration. But, in this era of anti-science attitude in many national arenas, they finally came up with a blockbuster study.

It is not yet published because data (plural, not singular!) are still being gathered, but the ISMGRBB feels the need to share preliminary results. The tentative title of the paper is the “Dear, Where Are You?” study. The basic question asked is in a stable male-female relationship (whatever that may be), when one person wants to talk to the other not in the same physical area, who comes to whom to hear. This derives from some personal past observations by this male researcher (from the Bohemian Branch). After hearing ”Dear? Dear?” you reply, “Yes” and hear talking 1-2 rooms away. You say, “Wait, I can‘t hear you”, and go to where the other person is. The question is: who is the one to go to where the other one is? Is it the female going to the male, or vice versa?

The wonderful relationship I have had, and am still having as of the day of this writing, for 48 married years with the same fabulous female, and having had very good understandings with several magnificent nurses (not married to me, but kind of a similar feeling) form the basis of my initial impressions. Usually, the male goes to where the female is, if the conversation is to continue.

To validate this postulation on my part, my team and I from the Institute began the intense research whenever an opportunity presented itself. To date, the replies have corroborated my hypothesis 100 percent, except for one aberrant response. Our researchers have managed to collect 53 (or is it 103, or 509?) direct responses. Our researchers pride themselves on their meticulous data recording and calculating.

There may be a trifle of bias in the data collection that some might criticize, because the people asked, except for one, were the males of the pair. They seemed more willing and candid with their replies, and took no exception to the study’s premise. Very likely, the next phase in our study will be to put our question to females of pairs, as diplomatically as possible.

The trend in the study appears to make it worth pursuing. You may be asking yourself now, what in the world is it trying to prove? Essentially nothing that could change the course of history or the world, but rather once again to attempt to fathom the human condition which we inhabit before shuffling off our mortal coils.

So many studies never consider the genetic differences between the female and male subjects. And there are differences in medicine metabolism, disease prevalence such as lupus being more female prevalent, and so on. The ISMGRBB has made that one of their hallmarks. This current effort supports those differences. And, as the French have said, viva la difference.

So, as this eventful year comes to a close, we at the Institute leave you with more scientific information to celebrate our human differences, instead of using them to create conflict. We hope you and all of us have a good and more peaceful 2018. Don’t forget to include liberal amounts of poppyseed confections with your New Year’s celebrations, as we do at the Bohemian Branch. Happy New Year from everyone at the Institute!